Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

*first time at a Michelin restaurant*

Me: “One order of tires, please.”

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz

Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.

When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.

Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers