A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
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I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
I falcon love using swear birds
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
Body by cheese-puffs.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“