A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
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Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Hank is one in a melon.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.