A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
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*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
My first son he is wonderful
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
A comic by Dan Piraro
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.