A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
You Might Also Like
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
ugh not again
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then