A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
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Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.