A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
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Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
kids play hide and seek like
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.