A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
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Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*
…*exhale*…
…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
Get in loser, we’re going overthinking
Yes my dude
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems