A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
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“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.