Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers

*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*

Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”

-me as a babysitter

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil

when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.

[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo

Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

[goes back in time]

Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?

Good morning

My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’

A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked

Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order

Me: And I have some ideas

I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.