A classic…
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roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
same energy
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱