a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
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“You drive, I’m tired.”
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Respect
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Lmao
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.