a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
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Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.