a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
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I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Did I do this right
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
March 16
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !