a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
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Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
asking santa clause for nudes
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I love wikipedia
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
