a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
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Adopting a new raccoon family from the local dump is far more rewarding than buying from one of those upscale designer raccoon boutiques.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Dumplings,
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
If I’ve learned anything from soap commercials, it’s that only attractive people take showers.
yeah not falling for this one
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.