a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
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me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃
