a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
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One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I’m already scared
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.