A classic example of a cat being a cat.
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I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Support your local cemetery
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan