A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
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Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea
Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
#Caturday
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry