A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
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If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Never let them know your next move 😂
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Yup
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.