Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”

Alexa: *cackles maniacally*

Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.

1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later

2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.

Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?

It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.

Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.

CRYING

I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.