A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
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gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!