A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
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Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Meow?
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
sweet dreams💖
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Never ghost your hitman.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant