A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
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You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Fun Things
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.