Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital

[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today

“is everything alright?”

[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.

ㅤ

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

me: there’s a bunch of cars following us

date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster

One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72

“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”

— Mark Twain

I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.

Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

getting old is fun

They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.

TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.

If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.

running feels great unless you compare it to not running

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.