A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
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Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
We avoided this particular disaster
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
What?
finally
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”