A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙‍♀️
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*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
My sex drive has a dui
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me: