A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
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If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
My humor is broken
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
thanksgiving in nutshell
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
