a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
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I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Try and stop me.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
*wraps present*
Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.
[20 minutes later]
Shit.
A short story about romance.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.