a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
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I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
work smarter, not harder
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Every time my phone rings
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Batman v Dracula
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds