Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance

Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?

Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit

Hubs: um…

Me: oh bugger!

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!

Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”

ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.

You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands

Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more