“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
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Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.