“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
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[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl