A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
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My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
trivia
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend