A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

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Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.


They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale


I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops


Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?


Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years


When I found out that my neighbour is scared of dogs
I bought one
And I have never seen him since.


*drinks milkshake*
*runs to yard*
*sifts through all the boys*
*puts up more posters for missing son*


everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive


If I was antisocial I wouldn’t have just ordered a pizza over the phone.


There must be an easier way to transport long poles across canyons other than walking across a tightrope carrying one pole at a time.