A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
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We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?