@iGreenGod

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

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@Kimgee8

Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.

@Marlebean

They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale

@dad_on_my_feet

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

@ronnui_

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

@ChaseMit

Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years

@JustDontBugMe

When I found out that my neighbour is scared of dogs
I bought one
And I have never seen him since.

@trojansauce

*drinks milkshake*
*runs to yard*
*sifts through all the boys*
*sighs*
*puts up more posters for missing son*

@fro_vo

everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive

@jake_lach

If I was antisocial I wouldn’t have just ordered a pizza over the phone.

@jazmasta

There must be an easier way to transport long poles across canyons other than walking across a tightrope carrying one pole at a time.