A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
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I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich