Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”

Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help

“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?

Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.

what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it

It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

looking at weird sushi roll names and uh

Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.

Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.

I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.