A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
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Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
these can’t be my only options
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago