A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
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On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?