Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?

OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2

KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.

Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

[Company Christmas luncheon]

Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?

Me: Ugly sweater contest?

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy

Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?

Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!

This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.

If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really

My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?