Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?

“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”

Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?

Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?

Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

[date]

HER: Any hobbies?

ME: I collect old comics

HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?

ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure

As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

I’m good, thanks.

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer

me *on my deathbed: I doubt it

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?

Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans

Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.