A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
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He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Based Erika
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…