Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

In space, no one can hear…

*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*

Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.

Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.

5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!

Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed

Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work

Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason

when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.

Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”

“Read that again”

No thanks, it sucked the first time.

I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?

*turns off comments*

Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.

dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.

Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator