A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
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1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Peace was never an option
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”