“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
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When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
This woman at work sounds just like me. I’m going to pay her to call my Mom and occasionally say mmhmm and how nice.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.