@frankpallotta

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.

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@TheToddWilliams

“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China

@just_evolved

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

@dance_blessed

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

@JediGigi

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

@EugeneMirman

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.

@BrainFumbles

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

@meganamram

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

@onelongbender

This woman at work sounds just like me. I’m going to pay her to call my Mom and occasionally say mmhmm and how nice.

@Beagz

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.