A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
You Might Also Like
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
this came to me in a vision
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography