A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
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Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
i spent way too long on this
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
This is not me but this is me
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid