A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
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Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.