A closed mouth gathers no fries.
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Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
My biological clock is wheezing.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.