A closed mouth gathers no fries.
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Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?