A closed mouth gathers no fries.
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Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
we all know this pain all too well
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Meme Monday.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews