A closed mouth gathers no fries.
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When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.