Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
A clown sighting was reported at the office this morning but it turns out Karen put her make up on in the car again.
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boss: you’re late again
me: i saw a dog
boss: that’s what you said yesterday
me: he lives in my house
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
i thought about this and shot snot
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.