@garrettbarry70

A clown sighting was reported at the office this morning but it turns out Karen put her make up on in the car again.

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@DrakeGatsby

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

@tweetsbyrocket

boss: you’re late again

me: i saw a dog

boss: that’s what you said yesterday

me: he lives in my house

@AmishPornStar1

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

@thetobbie

When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…

@RidiculousSheri

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

@GregDorris

It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.

@shariv67

This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.

@Steven37366100

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas

@Marlebean

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.