@garrettbarry70

A clown sighting was reported at the office this morning but it turns out Karen put her make up on in the car again.

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@Alfa_fox

New theory: It’s Raining Men and Let The Bodies Hit The Floor are both accounts of the same event but from wildly different perspectives.

@imchriskelly

Someone once introduced Jeff Goldblum to me at a party by saying, “This is Chris Kelly,” and he exclaimed, “My god, of course!”

I couldn’t believe it. He know who I was??

Then he proceeded to say, “My god, of course!” to every person he was introduced to.

I love Jeff Goldblum.

@LifeUnPinterest

Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever

@T_Bonezzz

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

@KalvinMacleod

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

@crazytraci72

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

@stephenjmolloy

<enter password>

me

<password is too short>

meonstilts

<password must have at least one special character>

meandbatmanonstilts

@ShawnHatosy

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

@SenatorBigfoot

Alright, alright. You can all have jet packs!

[two days later]

Reporter: Another 8000 dead today due to sky rage.

@Jesssicle

People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars