Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*

Me *giddy* I take their breath away!

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.

ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there

KIDNAPPER: shut up

ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?

KIDNAPPER: no, quiet

ME: you should have gagged me

KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out

ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone

I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours

Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.

People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician

Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?

Breaking news:

[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”

I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.

Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”

other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.

me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say

Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.

Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.

Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.

Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.

My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”

That is because they also stole the fence.