Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gross if literal…Liverpool

I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.

Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”

Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.

Received dm of the day

No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.

a McRib killed my tapeworm

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].

When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options

curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.

Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency

Me: I’m being held prisoner

Dispatch: Do they have weapons?

Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords

Dispatch: Umm ok

Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks

Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children

Me: …….Maybe.

Dispatch: 5th one today

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?

Well, this is awkward

If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?

Coworker: “How was your weekend?”

Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”

Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell