Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing

him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been

me: I tried to kiss a goldfish

My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life

We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups

my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact

Person: How are you going to get over this curb?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.

The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.

*Unfrenches your fries*

Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever

I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.

My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”

And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.

I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”

“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”

whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be