A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
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“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?