A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
You Might Also Like
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.