A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
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GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️