Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough

My brain: what if the next tweet is The One

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life

What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.

[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”