A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
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I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong