A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
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My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
me hitting on a model
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
My dating profile:
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
groan^2
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?