“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
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If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
A new level of troll.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*