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Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them