A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
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British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Social Media and Real life
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
It’s his time
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check