Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

supermarket employee: can I help you find something?

me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”

please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.

Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.

Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

ME: rock, paper, scissors

PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*

Me: What fresh hell is this?

Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!

My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.

The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

how to exercise your calf muscles

If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.