A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
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I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server