A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
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alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
With a text.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love