A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
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Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
who wore it better?
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Meat Cute
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.