A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
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When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
That’s it.I’m out.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons