A collection of me turning into random objects.
You Might Also Like
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Person: I really DO want your honest advice
Me: NO you don’t
P: I DO
Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out
P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon