A collection of me turning into random objects.
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If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
adding to the discourse
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
