A collection of me turning into random objects.
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“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.