What do we want?
-SHITTY MUSIC COMPILATIONS!
When do we want them?
-NOW! THAT’S WHAT I CALL MUSIC
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
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Hey boy, are you a fitted sheet? Because you’re complicated as hell and hard to manage, but I definitely want you on this mattress.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
My neighbour’s dog wants you to know that bicycles are the devil’s tools or at least that’s the best I could discern his message.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Nurses should be allowed to veto one baby name a shift.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out