@Kyle_Lippert

A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth

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@ScorpionDong

What do we want?

-SHITTY MUSIC COMPILATIONS!

When do we want them?

-NOW! THAT’S WHAT I CALL MUSIC

@illiter8too

Hey boy, are you a fitted sheet? Because you’re complicated as hell and hard to manage, but I definitely want you on this mattress.

@mejustbeth

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

@AndyAsAdjective

Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.

@LittleMissAngr1

My neighbour’s dog wants you to know that bicycles are the devil’s tools or at least that’s the best I could discern his message.

@Book_Krazy

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

@AddledPixie

“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.

@MissHavisham

7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.

@ozzyunc

Nurses should be allowed to veto one baby name a shift.

@TheHyyyype

[first day as a mechanic]

customer: can i get a quote?

me: give me liberty or give me death

customer: i meant for the truck

me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out