A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
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Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓