Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to

I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.

Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

[During sex]

Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will

me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl

therapist; that’s progress

me: haven’t tried flying yet

therapist: please don’t

me: you sound just like her

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes