A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:
– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.
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Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Got him!
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style