A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:
– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.
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Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.