A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:
– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.
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Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
i think we should see other cousins
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores